While looking at my expenses and bills over the past few months, I realised that I had been quite the spendthrift. With that in mind, I've started to budget, and just finished my first full month of it!
Calculating my Allowed Daily Expenses
To see what I could spend on my monthly basis, I first looked at my take home salary after CPF (social security).
Next was to look at what my fixed expenses. Those are:
1. Club membership fees
2. Utilities bill
3. Phone bill
4. Forced Savings/Investments
The last one warrants another post - what I've started doing each month is trigger a disbursement from my bank account to StashAway, AutoWealth, and my self-investment account at Saxo two days after my salary is deposited in my bank account.
This is a fixed amount that forces savings for me, which I consider an expense, something that I can't touch for my daily expenses.
From that, I have the remaining amount that I can spend, set at $3,000 a month. To ensure that I'm tracking my expenses properly, as well as stretching my dollar to get the best bang for buck, I've been using a few apps.
Tracking Expenses
To do this, I've been using an app called Expenses Ok. It's 100% free, and has a simple interface that allows the user to create their own categories. The difference between an app like this and one like Mint or Seedly, is having to manually input each expense. This had made me consciously think about each purchase before I make it.
Overall, I think it depends on each person and how much control they have. For me, this helps with making sure that I see how much each purchase is, and how it's affecting my daily, and consequently, my monthly budget. For example - I've never really thought about how lunch adds up, but since I've gone along with this budget, I often eat cai fan (which i enjoy), and lunch is often less than $5!
This month, I stayed UNDER my budget goal of $3000, ending at $2422.42!
Savings Apps
Savings apps are one way I've kept my costs down. In Singapore, specifically, there are two apps that I use - one that provides direct savings, and one that gives cash back (above and beyond card points and cash back). For the record, I do not subtract the cash back from my expenditures. Rather, I count that as a bonus that I can further add to my StashAway or AutoWealth account monthly.
ShopBack
ShopBack started as a cash back app for people that purchase items (and vacations) online. I don't really participate in e-commerce here, so it didn't really help me, till they launched ShopBack Go, which gives you cash back at restaurants and other dining establishments around Singapore).
Since then, i've been on a tear! The Go portion of ShopBack often has 15-20% first try bonuses for multiple establishments, so I find the ones I like, then try it out.
The best thing about it is how simple it is to use. Just add all the cards that you might use to pay (only Visa and MasterCard). After activating the shop, just pay with the card, and the cash back will immediately be tracking in your ShopBack account!
One of the things I've been able to do is stack the cash back. An example: I made a reservation through Quandoo, but went through the ShopBack app, that gives $4 (or $6 upsized) cash back when you think through to Quandoo to make the reservation. That restaurant also happened to have 20% cash back through ShopBack Go, so I got cash back for both!
I've gotten more than $90 in cash back on top of keeping to my budget this month! When I pay for something and get cash back, I don't subtract that - but, rather, keep and track that salary, and count it as a bonus that I can reinvest in one of my investment accounts.
Eatigo
This is seriously the best app ever! Restaurants provide different discounts based on the time that you eat there, and the discounts vary from 10% to 50%. Half the time, I've been to these restaurants without knowing that the discount existed.
If you enter the Eatigo app through ShopBack, you can also get cash back of $1.50 to $3, on top of the discount that you get on the food!
It's been a fun month learning how I can better save and stretch my dollar! Hope this helps you in your quest, if you so choose to do the same!
As I get older, I don't like to stay out as late.
The problem is, a lot of my friends still do, and I'm afraid I'll lose my friends if I don't go out with them as much.
I know that there are other times and things that we can do together, but with the juggling of family, work, the bar, and the different groups of friends, I feel myself getting lost in them all.
One of my biggest struggles is still finding a group of close friends that I can rely on, trust in. It's easy to hang out with people - get coffee, lunch, party, drink. But, finding true, lasting friends. That's the hard part.
I suppose friendships, in a sense, are like relationships. You need to work on them, nurture them, take the time and effort to show that you care and want them to be a part of your life. One of my failings is wanting to be here and there and everywhere, which I think partially contributes to not finding one core group of friends.
As I get older, and want to have quiet and more peaceful evenings, I guess I have to find a group who wants to do the same. Easier said than done though.
“People who love to eat are always the best people.” - Julia Child
I love food.
And, I have cravings. One of the dishes I've been craving a lot lately is fish head curry - it's sweet and spicy and sour and umami all at the same time. The meaty parts of the fish are so tender too. Finish it off with some briyani and lime juice - life is good.
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When I was in the States, cold winter nights meant getting take out from the pho shop down State Street and ordering the large. I'd drive back to my apartment, plop it in the bowl, then Netflix and chill - with my beef pho. It was heavenly. When I wanted to be more social, Tosh's Ramen right across from the pho place was where I'd go with Taylor and Taren and Trevor and Tim. We'd wait in line impatiently, then order immediately when we sat down to slurp up those bowls of Tonkatsu goodness.
Food warms the soul.
In college, I cooked a lot. And, I bought so many ingredients that we had a chest freezer just for my extra food. One time, I ordered seafood online and forgot to put in in the freezer. I got a text from Zane and Blake asking what that fishy smell was. We feasted on scallops that night - too many scallops. Sometimes, we'd have dumpling making parties or Elf parties during Christmas, where we ate spaghetti with maple syrup and candy. One of our favorite shows was Chopped, we had our own Chopped competitions. One time, we got cactus leaves and had no idea what to do with it. That didn't turn out quite as well as we hoped.
Food brings people together.
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I love food, it makes me happy. The thing with food is, it's a treasure trove of little happy-ever-afters every day. Some of my favourite meals have been by the roadside in Thailand, and also in Michelin-star restaurants in New York. Sometimes, what seems like a run-of-the-mill diner turns out to be revelatory to your tastebuds. Or, Little Caesar's Pizza in college - Blake and I would eat two or three slices and feel bloated for the next couple hours. Zane would eat the whole pizza then promptly go to bed.
I have to say one thing - paying for a bad meal drives me absolutely crazy. I get grumpy for a few hours after.
I love tasting and trying new dishes and foods and flavors around the world. I think it's one of the best ways we learn about other people, about other cultures, about their history. No matter where we're from or who we are, food is one of the ties that bind us together.
Food is for everyone.
When I was in Italy, the best meal I had was a pizza joint in Tuscany called La Cabonaia. It was a pizzeria in a small town near our AirBnb. Dad and the family ran it, and everyone there was local, families laughing and enjoying the food. We went there two nights in a row. I remember the second night, we were enjoying our amazing pizza and fluffy pillows of Gnocchi. In the corner was a Dad and his son, the boy was 10 or 11? They were sharing a pizza and chatting - it was perfect. They were spending time over simple but delicious food. That scene's embellished itself in my mind - I hope that one day, I get to take my kid(s) and wife to that restaurant, and enjoy a perfect Italian spring evening with tasty food.
Food helps you build wonderful memories.
The best meals, though, are the ones I've had over the years, eating with my Uncle or Dad or Mom at Ghim Moh, the hawker centre near my house. I eat the same meals there for breakfast - the thosai or roti prata or chwee kueh - it never gets old. It's what I missed most when I was away in the States for so long. It's home.
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I'm grateful that I've never been left wanting for food - I've always been blessed to have a meal, three times a day or more. I was watching an episode of Chef's Table awhile back, and the chef featured in the episode was talking about how ingredients, how real food grows and takes time and effort to make - it really struck a chord with me - as with food, so with life - do we truly appreciate what we're offered?
“The integrity of the ingredients should never get lost. In Japanese, it’s called sozai amuru, which means ‘to protect the ingredients.’ After having this garden, to see it from seed to watch it grow, little by little, to watch the process, to see it struggle, to survive, there’s this whole level of appreciation that everything takes time, everything takes the right amount of nurturing, everything deserves effort because it’s making an effort. This little tomato took three months to grow, and to just toss it or waste it, or to take it so lightly, we’re not doing our best to truly appreciate what nature is offering, what the lessons of life that are all around us are trying to teach us."
Chopped!
Dumpling Making
I've been struggling to write this post for awhile - writer's block. Tried a few rounds of these long posts that go and on. But, I realised with kindness, there doesn't need to be that much to it. It's a simple post without flair.
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I have four favorite examples on kindness that have shaped my feelings on kindness, and help me remember to be kind when sometimes, it can be a bit harder to be. 1. Family Motto
One thing I've seen some of my Mormon friends and their families have is a family motto - something that they teach the kids growing up, and ground them in. When I have my own family one day, I already know what mine is going to be one day - "work hard and be kind."
When Conan O'Brien left NBC's tonight show a few years ago, it wasn't under the best of circumstances, but his last monologue towards the end really hit home for me.
"All I ask is one thing, and I’m asking this particularly of young people: please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism, for the record, it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen."
2. Helping Others
I was reading this story about how this waitress in Singapore who, as a single Mom, was working really hard but did not have enough to tide things over. One of the regulars at the restaurant noticed her gloom and had asked her how she was doing and she had told him a bit about her situation.
When she gave the bill that day, the customer left her with a $2,000 tip. She intially didn't want to take it, but his response was, "We have two hands, one is to work hard and the other is to help others."
I don't think, nor do I think most of us can be that generous, but I think one thing I can do is to be kind in smaller amounts, and in simpler ways. And, if we are fortunate to help others, we should, that's our blessing in life, and something for us to share.
My college professor once recounted a time when he was in a third-world country. A woman with a kid was asking for a handout, and when he looked in his wallet, saw that he had the equivalent of $10 as his smallest note. He had only wanted to give a dollar or two, so he walked away. Then it hit him - that $10 meant nothing to him, but it meant the world to that woman and her kid, he went back and promptly gave that to her.
A quote from the waitress also said about the man that gave the $2000 tip:
"However, I am really touched because he always clears his own plates, telling my colleagues that it's okay and to relax. Whenever I serve wealthy people, they are usually very proud. But.... is humble and always greets us, saying thank you and everything."
That's what I hope people say about me. Those are the little bits of kindness, and courtesy, that I hope to show others every day.
3. Empathy
"Always be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle you know nothing about."
This is something that I struggle with. I often get annoyed or riled up, especially when I'm driving. Or, someone's snarky and I take offense to it. The thing is, most of the time, people aren't rude on purpose. Or, if they seem annoyed, it's not you (some of the time). One way or another, being kind is ALWAYS a good thing. If I retaliate to someone making a snide comment or being rude (in my eyes), it just makes the situation worse, never better. Being able to empathise, and remembering that people have their own trials and tribulations and issues makes it easier to always be kind with someone and make their day just that much better.
4. Kindness is a Choice
Trying to sum up Jeff Bezos' story about kindness is a bit hard, but the gist of it is (and you should read this commencement speech anyway), is that he made a comment as a kid that he thought he would be praised for, but instead made his grandmother cry.
His grandfather, who has never once scolded him, only uttered this sentence in response. “Jeff, one day you’ll understand that it’s harder to be kind than clever.”
And, as Bezos said is there is a "difference between gifts and choices. Cleverness is a gift, kindness is a choice."
We choose to be kind, I choose to be kind. No matter what the situation is, whether it's something as simple as clearing the table at the hawker center to help the old uncle or auntie out, or turning the other cheek when someone is yelling at you, kindness is always a choice.
I don't profess to be perfect at this, noy by a long shot, but one of my goals, my life goals, is to be kind. Little acts of kindness that make the world a better place.
I hope that when people happen to be talking about me, they'll say things like, "Ee Chien's nice, funny, wild, a bit wacky sometimes. But, the thing that's coolest about Ee Chien is that he's kind."
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Work hard and be kind, and amazing things will happen.
I was just looking to see who to invite to my "small group" birthday party this year, and I realised the majority of them came from work, and there were hardly any people from people I know from work. That really got me into panic mode, because it triggered my emotions about what I'm most insecure about.
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Growing up and having friends was easy. Parents arranged playtime, and in elementary school, I hung out with the kids whose parents my parents made friends with. Then I went off to secondary school, and had another group of friends I hung out with.
In Secondary 3 (9th grade), I switched over from a local school to an international school. At the point, I lost touch with the majority of my friends from local school. If I'm being honest with myself, part of me wanted to just be cool and hang out with my "cool" SAS friends. That was a mistake.
Fast forward to my mission and college, I made some wonderful friends there, and friends that I still keep in touch with. But, as we graduated and started moving to different places, we definitely have not been in contact as much. Leaving the Mormon Church also meant that some people who were my "friends" weren't so much my friends anymore.
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I know that moving home to Singapore has always been the right decision, things are so much better here. But the one thing that's been lacking, perhaps, is a core group of friends, and that scares me. Honestly, it's the one thing I'm probably most insecure about. I see so many of my friends who have a good group around them - people they have known for years and grown up with, people they hang out with and travel with. Me? I have friends, but I don't feel particularly close to any of them, or feel that I can really count on them when the going gets tough, except for a couple people.
When I moved back to Singapore, work was my life for two years, till Uber got acquired by Grab. That means my work friends were my work family, and also my real friends - it was hard to find the time to meet people outside of work. When the acquisition happened, I guess that bit of my world got rocked a bit, another friend group destabilised. With work, I think I neglected a lot of the friendships and relationships I wanted to rebuild too. So, there's no core group that I always hang out with, or have inside jokes with, or really connect with.
Because of those insecurities, I've realised the way I interact with people, whether in person or in messages or whatnot, can be a bit weird or intense. I latch on to something I think might have potential, and panic when someone isn't as responsive or as reciprocal with their feelings. I wonder sometimes what's wrong with me, where people can be friends with me and have fun, but not build that closer bond or friendship.
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The other thing - some others have siblings and bigger family units they rely on. I have no siblings, and I'm not really close to any of my cousins. I think one of the things that terrifies me is that one day, when my parents and aunts and uncles pass on, I'm just going to be... alone. Sure, there will be friends from work and social events and whatnot, but no one that I can really call family, you know? A lot of the time, your friends become your family. An an only child, your friends are your family.
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I've been getting out there and spending more time with people, and with the bar, it helps. But, I'm tired, well, I don't want superficial friendships or relationships. I want to build meaningful relationships that are real and mean something. I guess that takes time and effort on my part.
That's life, I suppose.
One of my Thirty to ThirtEe goals has been to have less things. Over the past few months, I've been going through my cupboards and shelves and closets at both of my places, trying to get rid of things.
Clothes, books, DVDs, random trinkets - the crazy thing is, no matter how much I get rid off, there's still more. In that sense, it makes me realise how much money I've spent (and wasted) over the years buying things.
To lighten the load, I've been doing three things:
(a) Giving Things Away
This has been nice to do, and I believe has a lot more meaning. There are books I've given away to friends because I think they'll enjoy it, and I can share a little bit of the joy I got from reading that book, with them.
For clothes, and some other things, I've been donating them them to MINDS. The Movement for the Intellectually Disabled of Singapore (MINDS) has four thrift shops around the island where they sell donated items. They also have their trainees with intellectual disability tend to customers and to handle the job of sorting and tagging the sale items. I really liked giving to them, and was a more personal than giving to The Salvation Army.
(b) Selling Things
I've been putting items up on Carousell. Sometimes, it's a pain in the butt, but other times, I've been able to sell a thing or two! It's funny how getting $5 or $10 is so fun, and it's gives me some satisfaction that I got some money back from something that someone now has a use for!
(c) Throwing Things Away
Some things, you just can't do anything with - empty boxes, random trinkets, dusty things that have no value. You can't sell it or give it away, but you keep it for one reason or excuse. Getting rid of those things and seeing the clean, clear, empty space can be a wonderful things.
It's so interesting how having less things and items in life can be so freeing!
I'm not going to stand on a pedestal and say that buying or hoarding things is a bad thing. People find their happiness and relax in different ways. But, as I've cleared my cupboards and shelves, it's been so nice to have less things to have and lose. I spend less money buying things that I don't need. Instead, I can save and invest that money, or I can use it for experiences - travel, meals with friends etc.
I really do aspire one day to have 5 pairs of shirts and 2 pairs of jeans and 2 pairs of shoes etc. It'll take a bit of time, and for practical reasons, I might not get exactly to that, but I'm excited to get somewhat close to it. The funky thing is, no matter how much I get rid off, there seems to be more! Well, one day I'll get there.
A luggage full of things to be given away
A couple of my friends and my Dad have been asking me what I want for my birthday this year, it being the big 3-0 and all that, you know?
I've thought about it a bit. Sure there are a couple things that I wouldn't mind getting here and there, and some things I aspire to materially. But really, there's nothing that I really want that I don't already have.
Things are things. I've been working to declutter these past few months (another blog post). Here's the funny thing (no pun intended). Every time I get rid of things, I hesitate, hemming and hawing about why I should keep it. But, during the times I have just gotten rid of this or that, I've never thought about it again. It's been a good reminder that I'm really lacking nothing, and things are just things.
All I want, really, is to be happy in life. That happiness, I believe is derived from other "things" in life.
1. Friends and Family - You know, the Uber ride that came to a screeching halt (and that provided two months of free self-reflection) really made me realise that while work is good, it's not everything. The amount of hours and blood and sweat and tears taught me a lot, but I don't ever want again to neglect the more important things in life - namely, relationships with my friends and family. I want to deepen my relationship with my parents and aunts and uncles. I'd like to, instead of trying to increase the number of "friends," strengthen and build on the ones that I already have and care about.
2. Good Health - Most of you know that I was born, with TGA, which meant open heart surgery at 5 weeks old, and a mini stroke that left me with a benign brain cyst and slightly crappy right hand. From young, I've gone for checkups year after year, and been on, (and now off!) medicine. I've ben doing well, and would like it to stay that way. I've seen relatives and friends suffer from various maladies, and it's really hard. My hope, and wish and prayer is that I can stay healthy, and not get into any serious accidents.
3. Healthy Bank Account - I've been lucky enough to be financially secure in life, but Uber fun-employment also gave me a glimpse of what it could be like if I can build up a nest egg that allows me to live of the interest. That's more material, but I honestly want to have the freedom and ability to work on things that truly bring me and others happiness without having to worry about a pay check.
4. Peace with Myself - I have made so many dumb decisions in my life. With each of those decisions, I've learned a lesson or two. But, there's still more time with a lot more mistakes to make and get over. I can only hope that are aren't terrible, terrible mistakes going forward. I know myself. I get worried and panic easily. I doubt myself a lot, and that has lead to some not so good decisions. As I get older, I'm going to work on those (not so good) natural tendencies, and overcome the natural man to be a better, more calm and confident person. I want to look back and say, "Hey, that's something I learned." But, I want to be at peace with myself. No regrets, no regrets.
This is a prime example. I'm finishing up this blog post at one on the morning, and I have 23 blog posts to write, but only 3 days more to write the rest of the posts. One thing to make peace with, my procrastinating.
By the way, I really dislike chocolate cake.
"Wow, where's that?"
"Why you never jio?"
"That sandwich looks divine."
Such are the messages, comments and conversations I've participated in over the years on Facebook and Instagram, two social media conduits that I used to actively participate in.
For about two weeks recently, I decided to take a break from social media. There was a catalyst, and that catalyst got me thinking a lot more about my social media usage not just in relation to that situation, but as a whole, as a reflection of my day-to-day life.
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The two-week fast gave me time to reflect and think about WHY I'm on social media, and how I want to build a healthy balance with my usage.
1. FOMO
Viewing posts or stories, I see people having fun, and sometimes think I should be out with them. That sense of FOMO is frustrating, wondering why you weren't invited to this or that. Sometimes, I would be the one that asked "Why you never jio?"
Taking the break from social media relieved me of that. In doing so, it made me realize - what other people are doing doesn't matter. I spend time with the people I want. That's the thing - it made me realize that I need to control and take charge of my own happiness, and that happiness isn't defined by who I'm with, or what I'm doing. I'm not saying I'm not still somewhat affected by it, but it's a lot better, and its given me a better understanding of friendships and relationships. Those who matter, will continue to matter. Your true friends, those close to you? They are all that matter - everything and everyone else is secondary.
Taking a breather from those apps has relived me of the FOMO. I do what I enjoy doing, and that's it. No feeling bad messing out on this BBQ or that party.
2. Validation
Each like, each comment, each message is an addiction, at least it has been for me in times past. There have been times where I keep refreshing the app - drag down on the screen, waiting to see that red circle pop up, or that flag popping up that tells you someone has liked or commented or shot you a DM. I've wasted minutes, hours, days - doing just that. There are so many more things to do, and so many more ways to interact in person.
Also, the content I've posted has been vile, as I've taken a good step back to ponder on it - I enjoyed showing off, driving my car, or eating at a nice restaurant, or some fancy travel destination. There are many ways to validate yourself. That's no good, and it's not nice. As I've spent more time away from social media, I've found more time to read more, binge on Netflix (not the best alternative but I'm learning things sometimes), have more time to write thank you letters and blog posts. I don't need someone telling me they wish they were doing this too, or eating that too.
Enjoying these things is something to enjoy privately, not publicly.
With this break, I've been learning to build my self-esteem and validation from the people who matter, and they don't exist in my phone, they exist in real life.
3. Relationships - When I was talking to Suyeon about this topic while on the break a couple weeks ago, she recalled a time we had dinner where she noticed I was on the phone a lot. There wasn't anything terrible urgent. I just kept checking different apps. My parents have, on multiple occasions, asked why I've had to have my phone out constantly at the lunch or dinner table.
"What's so urgent," they've said, "that you can't wait an hour to check or respond, and spend proper time together?"
And really, what is? When I've been with my parents, or friends, or my ex, what's been so important that I can't check it later and focus on them? (This questions will beget another post, more related to cell phone usage).
Social media relationships are superficial - you're not with that person, but you're messaging back and forth, neglecting the people who are sitting right in front of you. Scrolling through posts or stories, you're constantly looking at each other's lives through the lens of their phone, what they want you to see - the best parts.
I don't pull out my phone at dinner as much anymore. For the two weeks, I actually didn't even take pictures of my food from 5 different angles. I just dug into the dishes, and it was delicious. It's also helped me to be more focused and less distracted, and I have better conversations with people at the meal table.
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I've been guilty of that - having a high, having fun and posting about it, then the lows when I'm bumming at home, scrolling through my phone as I see people partying the night away.
Post captions, posts themselves - they're all meant to make us look cool and hip and good - but, to what end? Are we actually "cool?" Are we actually having fun? Or, are we just showing off to the world - "LOOK AT ME!" That takes away from the real fun, the laughing and the joking and the fun, because we others to see just how much fun we're having. Ironic, isn't it?
I don't mean to make this sound like a platitude, but it's happened to me personally, and I hope that this post in some way helps me process my thoughts, but also helps you if you've been in the same boat as me, or currently feel the same way too.
I'm back on social media. It's been hard, don't get me wrong. I still fall into my old habits, but I'm getting better at managing my usage, day-by-day. Of course, it doesn't help that Hayden and I are taking over our barn in just under two weeks, and I'm in charge of the social media aspect of it.
All things in moderation.
When one reaches certain milestones in life, one takes the time to look back and see where life has taken you thus far. As I approach 30, I've been taking some time to look at the past, the decisions made and lessons learned - this one are some of my reflections on my path away from Mormonism, and losing my religion. This post is a long one, so skip what you'd like.
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Most of you know I spent the vast majority of my life growing up as a Mormon (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints). I haven't actively participated in the church for 4 years now. Some have wondered and asked. Losing the religion of your youth, your formative years is not an easy thing. It is hard and heart-wrenching. Imagine giving up two years of your life to teach something you no longer believe in, it is hard.
From a young age, I tagged on with a family friend to the church. At that time, my Mom was not actively participating, but wanted me to go along to learn good values. My Dad's never been a part of the church.
Church was fun - we sang songs, had lessons about God, and I had a good group of friends there. When I graduated from high school, I was almost 19, and my parents told me it would be best for me to serve my mission, then do four straight years of college. While I was at the Missionary Training Center in Manila, my Dad called. He wanted me to stop the mission thing, and come back home. I refused. Landing back in Singapore (where I had been called to be a missionary), my parents were waiting for me there. They told me they had spoken to Church leaders, and I had been taken off my mission. Devastated, I headed to BYU a couple weeks into the semester, ending with terrible grades that year, though I suppose that's beside the point. I was determined to go back on my mission, the experience of losing it strengthened my faith even more. I was convinced that God was just giving me a trial that I had to overcome. It strengthened my faith. With my mom, we convinced my Dad, and I headed back out into the mission field June 2008.
Before my mission, I had read a bunch of things online with what Mormons consider to be "anti-Mormon literature). It dealt with historical, social and cultural issues that the Church has. Reading that actually helped me strengthen my belief as I read apologists perspectives, as well as chatting with other people. It allowed me, on my mission, to better explain to people our perspective as similar challenges based on these assertions came about as we met people. The mission was tiring and tough, but it taught good lessons, wonderful friendships, and I learned a lot about myself and what I can accomplish if I put my mind to it. Also, I thought that one of the things I had developed was an unshakable faith in the religion, in the Church.
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I headed back to BYU after my mission full of faith. I jumped right back into Church, with its lessons and activities. All was well. It wasn't till my senior year of college that things started to go downhill just a bit. The thing is, there wasn't a turning point, there wasn't one big comment or event or historical fact that took my down a different path.
One by one, precept by precept, I came to understand certain things bout the Church that doesn't jive with my view of Christianity, of how the Jesus I know would act and treat his children, or allow his disciples and leaders on Earth to act.
To illustrate where I'm coming from, I'm providing a few examples here. Please note that this is my personal interpretation. For facts, please, please read the CES Letter.
All this wouldn't be a huge problem for me, knowing that while God is perfect, his followers and leaders of His Church aren't. BUT, when a church claims they are the only true church on this earth, and continue to received modern-day revelation from God, that's where, for me, it gets rather hairy. From something where there can be big mistakes and issues, there shouldn't be.
A few examples:
Polygamy/Polyandry - I'm actually not opposed to the practice, but how it happened, and what transpired irks me. In a church essay on polygamy, it states that, "The revelation on marriage required that a wife give her consent before her husband could enter into plural marriage. Nevertheless, toward the end of the revelation, the Lord said that if the first wife “receive not this law”—the command to practice plural marriage—the husband would be “exempt from the law of Sarah,” meaning that he should just marry another wife anyway.
Blacks and the Priesthood - this is one that the Church has always struggled with. For more than a century, church leaders taught as doctrine, that blacks could not be full members of the church because of the curse of Cain. Fast forward more than a hundred years later, the Church changed its stance, stating that it was a policy, and they aren't 100% sure why this was the case. We know why.
While Joseph was fairly progressive, and gave Blacks the priesthood, Brigham Young was a blatant racist. To quote him,
"You must not think, from what I say, that I am opposed to slavery. No! The negro is damned, and is to serve his master till God chooses to remove the curse of Ham."
The Church tries to paint its historical position, in an American Racial Culture. But, again, the church purports that its prophets received revelation from God. I don't claim to know the will of God, but there have been countless times in the Bible, and Book of Mormon, where God's people went against the teachings or feeling of the day. For more than 100 yaers, the church and its leaders, though apparently directly inspired by God, chose to uphold this morally reprehensive act, when God's church often stands against what is wrong.
Richard R. Lyman - The church claims the spirit of discernment, where it's leaders can sense, tell, when something is wrong, and God reveals to His prophets to ensure the church and its leaders stay on the straight and narrow. For 18 years, an apostle committed adultery, till he was caught and ex-communicated. For 18 years, he sat side-by-side with prophets and apostles, giving talks and counseling people, with no one non the wiser.
The Church and Gays/Lesbians - Today, the Church has chosen a new group of people to marginalize, from Blacks, on to the LGBT community. While the world moves in strides and understands that biologically, people are born with their sexual orientation, the church and its leaders continue to preach that it is a challenge that God has given them to overcome. Children, whose parents are gay, are not allowed to be baptized till they are of legal age, though the church itself states that it is a commandment to baptize them at age 8, and the Bible teaches that the sins of the fathers should not apply to their children.
I have a confession. Do you know? I used to be afraid of gay people. I would cringe when they seemed more effeminate or masculine (depending on gender). That was solely because of what the church taught me growing up. Then I started being friends with them and realized how we're all just the same people.
Tithing - While the Church owns more than $32 billion in equities alone, with billions more in real estate and other investments, the current prophet commands that paying tithing is the way out of poverty - commanding Africans in poverty stricken countries, no less.
"We preach tithing to the poor people of the world because the poor people of the world have had cycles of poverty, generation after generation," he said. "That same poverty continues from one generation to another, until people pay their tithing."
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I don't have anything against the Church per se. The majority of members I have met are good, kind, caring and God-fearing people, who have their own beliefs, and I respect each and every one of them for that. One thing that irks me though, are people who speak to me and other people who have left that left the church in a condescending or pitying manner.
To be clear about this: Yes, from your perspective, it seems that I have left the straight and narrow path, and you're sad that if I don't return to the Church one day, that we won't get to hang together in the Celestial Kingdom. Please, please do not feel sad for me. I am so much happier, and so much more at peace than when I was actively participating in the Mormon church. I see so clearly now. Once, I saw things in black and white. As I started my journey out of the church, I saw things in shades of grey. Now, I get to see life in so many different colors. I am grateful for that.
I wrote a Facebook post about this a couple years ago, and I'll end with it again.
1. I am happy and at peace with who I am and where I’m at. Telling me that I’m missing out on true happiness does not help me, nor does it help you. Your "missionary work" is pushing people away, not drawing them in. Please be my friend, assuming that I’m not happy presumes that anyone outside the LDS faith cannot be truly happy, and that is not true. No religion has a monopoly on true happiness, because each person finds it in their own way.
2. Making comments suggesting that I should come back so I can be “prepared to meet my maker” or pick myself up because we all “trip from time to time” is condescending and uncalled for. Just because I don’t believe the LDS/Mormon Church is the end all be all does not mean that I have “sinned” or am not a real Christian. People (including me) who have stopped attending church have real and honest questions that would be better served with thoughtful and respectful answers, rather than assumptions that presuppose some sort of sin or lack of trying.
I don't expect you to stop attending Church, I respect, love and appreciate the positive aspects of it along with the life lessons I've learned; but, please realise that I need for you to accept where I am at this moment. Don't judge me. Don't tell me what to do. Don't tell me how to feel. I am mourning a great loss because I’ve lost something that’s been a part of my life and who I’ve been for the vast majority of my life. It's not a path easily chosen.
I do have full and abiding faith in Jesus Christ. That’s all that matters to me, and I hope that's what matters to you too. I want to be your friend with no conditions attached, I love you for you, please love me for being me.
If you ever want to have a respectful and healthy discussion about my doubts, I’m always happy to chat. Thank you!
Ending here with one of my favorite LDS children's songs. That's all that matters.
